As a Mentor Coach, I’ve had the privilege and pleasure of listening to hundreds of coaches coach. Over time, I’ve noticed that when a coaching session isn’t going well, the two most common reasons are:
1. The was no clear coaching agreement set, and/or
2. The coach was leading, trying to problem solve, or was relying on particular tools or questions and was not embodying coaching presence.
I can easily teach a new coach about establishing a coaching agreement but teaching presence is a bit more tricky – but oh so valuable. Helping a coach grow their presence involves seeing what’s getting in the way of presence (habitual tendencies) and building pathways for returning to oneself and one’s client, thereby opening a field of connection and possibility between the two.
Maintains Presence is one of the eleven coaching core competencies developed by the International Coach Federation (see their description for this competencies at the bottom of this post). Though the ICF states that the “…individual competencies are not weighted—they do not represent any kind of priority in that they are all core or critical..,” I assert that Presence is at the very center of great coaching. When you, the coach, is embodying coaching presence, many of the ICF core competencies arise with ease and more masterful coaching unfolds.
Presence is foundational
Here are two examples of how other competencies are connected to Coaching Presence:
1. Presence inspires the cultivation of Trust & Safety (ICF competency 4 ), which opens deeper sharing and awareness (Evokes Awareness, competency 7) and in turn allows “aha! moments” that fuel new action (Facilitates Learning and Growth, competency 8).
2. Presence also allows a soft curiosity which opens a broader listening (Listens Actively, competency 5) and allows Powerful Questions (part of Evoking Awareness) to rise, which again Evokes Awareness, etc.
Presence is a state of awareness, in the moment, characterized by the felt experience of timelessness, connectedness, and a larger truth.
– Doug Silsbee in Presence-Based Coaching, p. 21
Developing your coaching presence
First, take a moment to remember and consider:
What’s it like when someone is fully present with you? What’s the impact on you?
Remember a time when you felt fully present with someone. What did that feel like in your body? How did you come present or remain present?
And now consider these questions if you like:
- How is your Coaching Presence now?
- What supports and nourishes it?
- How do you want your presence to be?
- What’s the gap you are bridging?
- What gets in your way of being present?
- How do you want to be with yourself as you practice becoming more present? (I vote for patient and kind!)
If you’d like to develop your coaching presence, I suggest that you spend more time with the question “What gets in the way of you being present?” Be light and curious with yourself. Perhaps design a self-observation exercise for yourself. E.g. For a week, notice a habit you may have that distracts you from being present in sessions. Simply notice, but don’t try to change it yet. Get to know it with curiosity and kindness. When do you get pulled from presence? What triggers it? What do you notice? Thoughts? Feelings? Sensations? How is this habit serving you?
Begin to wonder what other options are possible besides falling into your particular habitual tendency. Of course, we are human and will not always be present. And there are ways we can learn to more easily notice when we are not present and move back into presence for longer periods of time.
Self-observation provides a great foundation for creating behavior change. I recommend it. After you get to know your habit, you can build your presence “muscles” through a practice(s) that supports you. When I coach with someone, we find a practice that fits them personally. Here, I offer a few general practices. Slowly read through the following list and choose one that sparks something in you. I recommend practicing it daily for a couple of weeks before moving on to “try on” others. Eventually commit to one or two daily practices that nourish you and your coaching presence.
1. Your client is complex and a mystery. Honor your client and know that s/he is the expert on their life and has tremendous inner resources. Trust their wisdom and gifts. Drop the need to know and to give advice or tell your story. Instead, soften and get gently curious. Lean back a bit, take a conscious breath, soften your jaw, your eyes. I find that a soft curiosity allows questions to arise rather than trying to find a great question.
Presence becomes possible through uncertainty and openness.
– Doug Silsbee in Presence-Based Coaching, p. 9
2. Once you ask a question, allow silence for the client. The space provides room for contemplation and for their own answers to “bubble up.” Count to ten if that helps. Be prepared to be amazed by another and to learn from them.
3. When you are talking with someone (or arrange to practice this with a friend), practice listening more fully. Try this:
-
-
-
- Drop the need to perform, to analyze, compare, judge or even prepare your response.
- Listen with soft eyes, ears, heart, entire body. Become a soft field that picks up on nuances. Become like a satellite dish.
- Listen for what’s good, what’s important and/or what’s working in this person and their life. Listen for values and passions, for energy of life – and notice where it’s lacking. Take it further by very simply acknowledging the good, the quality of being (rather than the doing itself) – e.g. “I hear the courage it took to do that.” BTW it’s ok if courage isn’t “right” and the person says “it didn’t feel like courage, it was more like….”
-
-
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.
– Martha Graham
4. Throughout the day, practice dropping your attention from your busy mind to your body. You can notice your breath or body sensations or take your awareness to your heart area. If you choose the heart, you can touch the heart area and/or nod your chin slightly toward your heart and/or smile toward your heart. Experiment and notice. If good feelings show up, be with them, breathe with them. It’s fine if you don’t notice anything at first. Let yourself just be there, open to connection, not trying.
5. Practice grounding and centering.
6. Develop an intention/mantra to use before coaching conversations. E.g. In my early years, I would take several minutes to come present/mindful, imagine my client in a resourced state, smile to my heart and say to myself “I drop my need to be good at this and I open to being of service to my client and their greatest good.”
7. Practice mindfulness – or simply enjoy three mindful breaths several times a day. Practice coming back to yourself, to your body, your breath, the moment. Your body is always present. Noticing your inner sensations, your breath or senses will help bring you present.
8. Experiment with what supports you immediately before a coaching conversation. E.g. some possibilities: review the last session notes and their values/reason for coaching, ensure a quiet space, move your body, imagine presence, meditate, bring to mind what you are grateful for, touch the earth, listen to inspiring music, say your intention.
Choose one of the above, experiment with it and let me know how it goes!
From the International Coach Federation:
Maintains Presence
Definition: Is fully conscious and present with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible, grounded and confident
- Remains focused, observant, empathetic and responsive to the client
- Demonstrates curiosity during the coaching process
- Manages one’s emotions to stay present with the client
- Demonstrates confidence in working with strong client emotions during the coaching process
- Is comfortable working in a space of not knowing
- Creates or allows space for silence, pause or reflection